Short Story: Flanders in Hell

I never intend to make any money with this, and I rarely write fan fiction, but as an English teacher and an admitted agnostic, Ned Flanders has always bothered me, but in a fun way. Also, I occasionally write these dialogue pieces, sometimes for practice, this time for fun. Enjoy.

15 May 2005

Flanders in Hell. Actually Flanders sent to Hell, and then arguing his case with St. Peter.

Gosh Diddly Darn. What are you trying to say?

I’m not trying to say anything I haven’t accomplished successfully twice already. You took the Lord’s name in vain.

When Holy Golly Googly did I do such a thing?

Just now. As a matter of fact you’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain thirty-eight times since you’ve been here talking to me.

When in Jeezle Pete did I do that?

Oh, don’t think you’re getting away with that one. His son’s name is his name too, I’m sure you know that.

Jeezle? Jeezle? That’s not Jesus.

It’s a euphemism.

A Golly Jeezle what?

Ooh, double whammy there. Anyway, a euphemism is a nicer word that replaces one more harsh. You know, like making the beast with two backs was Shakespeare’s way of saying people were having sex. Euphemisms still have the same definition of the words they replace.

So I’m going to Hell.

You don’t have to go to Hell, but you can’t stay here. Hey, just kidding. Besides, we make our own Hells. Do you really think you can live up here knowing you’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain . . . 3,125,342 times. And that’s just since you gave yourself to the Lord.

God dammit!

Well, now there’s no question about it. Is there?